Of Mullets...

Lately, there’s been a lot of hating on the mullet, and I find this thoroughly disappointing. There are entire websites devoted to hunting, rating, and generally dissing the haircut, and I think the reason for this backlash is sheer ignorance.

For starters, the mullet, or schlong (as it is sometimes called) has a noble heritage, and is considered to be beautiful in some cultures (namely, the Southern United Sates).

If you ask me, and most people do – The mullet originated out of American ingenuity when Southerners realized they could keep the top of their heads cool while protecting their necks (which are already prone to redness) from the blistering sun. They’re also pretty unique in that the mullet-wearer can maintain their serious and formal look up front, while the back of his or her head parties like its 1989.

Admit it. You criticize mullets because you’re insecure. You can’t handle the mullet – The “who gives a fuck” aura, the overpowering masculinity and the endless functionality. You want one, but you know you’re not man enough have one… so you laugh, and jeer, and make stupid websites devoted to ridiculing that which you can never have, pussy.

I respect the mullet – I’m not man enough to wear a schlong and I know it. I’ve come to live with that depressing fact, and feel ashamed to confess it. I die a little inside each and every time my barber asks me how long I want it in the back, and like the coward I am, I say “short”. You know where I’m coming from.

I see better men than you and I walking down the street, sporting sweet-ass mullets, and I respect them for their valor. They are living the life we all want to live – out there, every day on the front lines.

So, don’t hate. The mullet WILL rise again, and there will come a time when those with mullets walk around with camera phones, hoping to catch a shot of some sick fucker with a brush cut. Will it be you?